So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
