I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
