I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
