Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
