Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
