i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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