Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
