My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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