Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
