I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have post one night stand depression
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
