I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Damn victory sex feels great
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
