cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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