my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
