He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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