we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
