just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
