naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
