How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
