i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
