How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
