Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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