don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
sex in a hospital.. check
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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