I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
