Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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