I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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