Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
