My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
