i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
