Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
