She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
