Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
