My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
