This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
