Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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