I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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