he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
