just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The power of my boobs compel you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
