I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
