he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
