We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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