when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
