i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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