So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
