I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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