it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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