When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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