Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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