so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
