I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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