guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
