Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
